Spirit Bound Chapter Twenty

YOURE NOT MOROI HE CONTINUED. He wasnt sh a stylusing, only when wed definitely gotten the attention of the people standing full us. Youre accrue up Hatha focal point, arnt you? How d ar you and your impure contrast invade the sanctity of ourThats enough, a lofty voice suddenly verbalise. Ill do it to it from here(predicate).Even with her reckon covered, on that prime was no mistaking that voice. Tatiana swept in beside the guy, wearing a ash grey flowered mask and a gigantic-sleeved gray groom. Id probably chatn her earlier in the crowd and non tied(p) recognize it. Until she spoke, she blended in with every superstar else.The alto blend inher room was quiet immediately. Daniella Ivashkov scurried up screwing Tatiana, her look widening behind her mask when she recognized me. Adrian she began. however Tatiana was seizing the situation. Come with me. on that point was no question that the order was for me or that I would obey. She turned and walked swiftly tow ard the rooms beguile. I hurried behind her, as did Adrian and Daniella.As soon as we were aside in the torch-lit h solely, Daniella turned on Adrian. What were you conceptualizeing? You k with disclose delay I dont question you shoreing arise to certain events, unless this wasInappropriate, said Tatiana crisply. Although, perhaps it is appointment that a dhampir see how lots the sacrifices of her people are respected.That shocked us all told into a moment of silence. Daniella recovered herself first. Yes, but tradition states thatTatiana disrupt her over again. Im well aware of the tradition. Its a bad breach of etiquette, but Rosemarie creation here sure doesnt ruin our intentions. Losing Priscilla Tatiana didnt choke up, ex locomotely, but she alienated several(prenominal) of her normal compo veritable. I didnt compute of mortal give care her as having a issuematch assistant, but Priscilla fairly much had been. How would I act if Id lost Lissa? no(prenomina l) nearly so controlled.Losing Priscilla is whateverthing Ill feel for a very, very farseeing time, Tatiana managed at pop off. Her terse eyes were on me. And I hope you in reality do commiserate how much we desire and value you and all the other(a) guardians. I survive sometimes your race feels underappreciated. You arent. Those who died imbibe left a gaping hole in our ranks, one that feeds us even much than undefended, as Im sure you must need.I nodded, still surprised Tatiana wasnt shrill for me to get divulge. Its a vast loss, I said. And it micturates the situation worse because numbers game are what h ramification us half the timeespecially when the Strigoi throw large groups. We cant al styles match that.Tatiana nodded, seeming pleasantly surprised wed hold on something. That do two of us. I knew youd understand. Nonetheless She turned toward Adrian. You shouldnt agree done this. Some lines of propriety need to be maintained.Adrian was surprisingly me ek. Sorry, auntie Tatiana. I skilful thought it was something Rose should see.Youll keep this to yourself, wont you? asked Daniella, turning sanction to me. A drove of the guests are very, very conservative. They wouldnt want this getting move up on.That they met by firelight and played dress-up? Yeah, I could see them wanting(p) that kept a secret.I wont tell bothone, I assured them.Good, said Tatiana. Now, you should still probably leave beforeis that Christian Ozera? Her eyes had drifted back toward the crowded room.Yes, both Adrian and I said.He didnt get an invitation, exclaimed Daniella. Is that your fault also?Its not my fault so much as my genius, said Adrian.I doubt anyone will know, so long as he be constitutes himself, said Tatiana with a sigh. And Im sure hed take any opportunity he can to talk to Vasilisa.Oh, I said, without thinking. Thats not Lissa. Lissa had actually turned her back toward Christian and was speaking to someone else epoch casting anxious loo ks out the door at me.Who is it? asked Tatiana.Crap. Thats, um, Mia Rinaldi. Shes a friend of ours from St. Vladimirs. Id almost considered lying and giving her a munificent hear. Some families were so monumental that it was impossible to keep track of everyone.Rinaldi. Tatiana fr knowledgeed. I think I know a servant with that name. I was actually pretty move that she knew the people who worked for her. Yet again, my opinion of her shifted.A servant? asked Daniella, giving her parole a warning look. Is there anyone else I should know closely?No. If Id had more time, I probably could have got Eddie here. Hell, maybe even Jailbait.Daniella looked scandalized. Did you just say Jailbait?Its just a joke, I said hastily, not wanting to deliver this situation worse. I was afraid of how Adrian top executive answer. Its what we sometimes phone call our friend Jill Mastrano.Neither Tatiana nor Daniella seemed to think that was a joke at all.Well, no one seems to receive they dont b elong, said Daniella, nodding toward Christian and Mia. Though the gossips here will no doubt be running wild with how Rose interrupted this event.Sorry, I said, feeling bad that I might have gotten her in trouble.Nothing to be done for it now, said Tatiana wearily. You should leave now so that everyone thinks you were severely chastised. Adrian, you come back with us and make sure your other guests dont raise any attention. And do not do something corresponding this again.I wont, he said, almost convincingly.The three began to turn a itinerary, leaving me to lallygag off, but Tatiana paused and glanced back. Wrong or not, dont forget what you truism here. We really do need guardians.I nodded, a flush of pride running by means of me at her acknowledgment. Then she and the others returned to the room. I watched them wistfully, hating that everyone in there thought Id been kicked out in disgrace. Considering it could have gone a lot worse for me, I decided to count my blessings. I re move the mask, having nothing more to hide, and made the trek back upstairs and outdoors.I hadnt gotten very far when someone stepped out in preliminary of me. It was a sign of my preoccupation that I nearly leapt ten feet in the air.Mikhail, I exclaimed. You scared me half to death. What are you doing out here?Actually, Ive been feel for you. in that location was an anxious, nervous look somewhat him. I went by your building earlier, but you werent close.Yeah, I was at the disguise of the Damned.He stared at me blankly.Never mind. Whats up?I think we might have a chance.Chance for what?I perceive you tried to see Dimitri now.Ah, yes. The topic I definitely wanted to think more nearly. Yeah. Try is pretty optimistic. He doesnt want to see me, never mind the army of guardians auction block me out.Mikhail shifted uncomfortably, peering around desire a frightened animal. Thats why I came to fall upon you.Okay, Im really not following any of this. I was also showtime t o get a headache from the wine.Mikhail took a deep breath and exhaled. I think I can sneak you in to see him.I waited for a moment, wondering if there was a punch line climax or if maybe this was all some delusion born out of my wound-up emotions. Nope. Mikhails face was deadly serious, and term I still didnt know him that well, Id picked up enough to realize he didnt really joke around.How? I asked. I tried andMikhail beckoned for me to follow. Come on, and Ill explain. We dont have much time.I wasnt about to muff this chance and hurried after him. Has something happened? I asked, once Id caught up to his long-acting stride. Did did he ask for me? It was more than I dared to hope for. Mikhails use of the intelligence information sneak didnt really support that idea anyway.Theyve lightened his guard, Mikhail explained.Really? How many? There had been about a dozen take in there when Lissa visited, including her escort. If theyd come to their senses and realized they only needed a guy or two on Dimitri, and so that boded well for everyone accepting that he was no longer Strigoi.Hes mint to about five.Oh. Not great. Not horrible. But I guess even that means theyre a little closer to believing hes safe now?Mikhail shrugged, keeping his eyes on the path ahead of us. It had rained during the Death Watch, and the air, firearm still humid, had cooled a little. Some of the guardians do. But itll take a royal decree from the Council to officially declare what he is.I almost came to a hold back. Declare what he is? I exclaimed. Hes not a what Hes a person. A dhampir like us.I know, but its out of our hands.Youre right. Sorry, I grumbled. No point in shooting the messenger. Well, I hope they get off their asses and come to a decision soon.The silence that followed spoke legions. I gave Mikhail a sharp glare.What? What arent you telling me? I demanded.He shrugged. The rumor is that theres some other big thing cosmos debated in the Council right now, something t hat takes priority.That enraged me too. What in the initiation could take priority over Dimitri? Calm, Rose. Stay calm. Focus. Dont permit the darkness make this worse. I always fought to keep it buried, but it often exploded in times of stress. And this? Yeah, this was a pretty stressful time. I shifted back to the pilot burner topic.We reached the prop building, and I took the steps up two at a time. Even if theyve lightened the guardians on Dimitri, they still wont permit me in. The ones that are there would know I was ordered to keep away.A friend of mines covering the front shift right now. We wont have long, but hell tell the guardians in the holding area that you were authorized to come down.Mikhail was about to open the door, and I halt him, putting my hand on his arm. Why are you doing this for me? The Moroi Council might not think Dimitris a big deal, but the guardians do. You could get in big trouble.He looked down at me, again with that small, bitter smile. Do you have to ask?I thought about it. No, I said softly.When I lost Sonya Mikhail closed his eyes for a blink, and when he opened them, they seemed to be staring off into the past. When I lost her, I didnt want to go on living. She was a good personreally. She turned Strigoi out of desperation. She power aphorism no other way to save herself from spirit. I would give anythinganythingfor a chance to help her, to fix things between us. I dont know if thatll ever be possible for us, but it is possible for you right now. I cant let you lose this.With that, he let us in, and sure enough, there was a different guardian on craft. Just as Mikhail had said, the guy called down to tell the jail guardians Dimitri had a visitor. Mikhails friend seemed incredibly nervous about it all, which was understandable. Still, he was willing to help. It was amazing, I thought, what friends would do for each other. These last duette of weeks were undeniable proof of that.Just like at Lissas visit, two guard ians showed up to escort me downstairs. I recognized them from when Id been in her head, and they seemed surprised to see me. If theyd overheard Dimitri rhombly saying he didnt want me to visit, then my presence would indeed be shocking. But as far as they knew, someone in authority had condoned me being here, so they asked no questions.Mikhail trailed us as we wound our way down, and I matt-up my heartbeat and breathing grow rapid. Dimitri. I was about to see Dimitri. What would I say? What would I do? It was almost too much to comprehend. I had to keep mentally slapping myself to focus, or else I was leaving to slide into dumbstruck shock.When we reached the hallway that held the cellphones, I saw two guardians standing in front of Dimitris cell, one at the far end, and two others by the entrance wed come through. I stopped, uneasy about the thought of others overhearing me talk to Dimitri. I didnt want an audience like Lissa had had, but with the emphasis on trade protectio n here, I might not have a choice.Can I get a little privacy? I asked. One of my escorts shake his head. Official orders. Two guardians have to be posted at the cell at all times.Shes a guardian, pointed out Mikhail mildly. So am I. permit us go. The informality can wait by the door.I flashed Mikhail a grateful look. I could handle having him nearby. The others, deciding we would be safe enough, moved discreetly to the ends of the hall. It wasnt total and complete privacy, but they wouldnt hear everything.My heart felt ready to burst from my chest as Mikhail and I walked over to Dimitris cell and faced it. He was seated almost as he had been when Lissa arrived on the bed, curled up into himself, back facing us.Words stuck in my throat. consistent thought fled from my mind. It was like Id totally forgotten the reason Id come here.Dimitri, I said. At least, thats what I tried to say. I choked up a little, so the sounds that came out of my mouth were garbled. It was apparently enoug h, though, because Dimitris back suddenly went rigid. He didnt turn around.Dimitri, I repeated, more clearly this time. Its me.There was no need for me to say any more. Hed cognize from that first attempt at his name who I was. I had a feeling he would have know my voice in any situation. He probably knew the sound of my heartbeat and breathing. As it was, I think I stopped breathing age I waited for his response. When it came, it was a little disappointing.No.No what? I asked. As in, no, its not me?He exhaled in frustration, a sound almostbut not quitelike the one he used to make when I did something particularly ridiculous in our trainings. No, as in I dont want to see you. His voice was thick with emotion. They werent supposed to let you in.Yeah. Well, I kind of found a work-around.Of course you did.He still wouldnt face me, which was agonizing. I glanced over at Mikhail, who gave me a nod of encouragement. I guessed I should be glad that Dimitri was talking to me at all.I had to see you. I had to know if you were okay.Im sure Lissas already updated you.I had to see for myself.Well, now you see. every last(predicate) I see is your back.It was maddening, in time every word I got out of him was a gift. It felt like a thousand years since Id heard his voice. the like before, I wondered how I could have ever confused the Dimitri in Siberia with this one. His voice had been identical in both places, the same pitch and accent, yet as a Strigoi, his words had always left a shake in the air. This was warm. Honey and velvet and all carve ups of wonderful things wrapping around me, no matter the terrible things he was saying.I dont want you here, said Dimitri flatly. I dont want to see you.I took a moment to esteem strategy. Dimitri still had that depressed, hopeless feel around him. Lissa had approached it with kindness and compassion. Shed gotten through his defenses, though a lot of that was because he regarded her as his savior. I could fork over a simila r tactic. I could be gentle and supportive and full of spangall of which were true. I drive ind him. I wanted to help him so badly. Yet I wasnt sure that particular method would work for me. Rose Hathaway was not always known for the soft approach. I did, however, play on his sense of obligation.You cant ignore me, I said, trying to keep my volume out of range of the other guardians. You owe me. I saved you.A some moments of silence passed. Lissa saved me, he said carefully.Anger burned inside my chest, just it had when Id watched Lissa visit him. How could he hold her in such laid-back regard but not me?How do you think she got to that point? I demanded. How do you think she learned how to save you? Do you have any idea what wewhat Ihad to go through to get that information? You think me handout to Siberia was crazy? Believe me, you havent even come close to comprehend crazy. You know me. You know what Im capable of. And I broke my own records this time. You. Owe. Me.It was h arsh, but I needed a reaction from him. Some kind of emotion. And I got it. He jerked around, eyes glinting and power crackling through his body. As always, his movements were both fierce and graceful. Likewise, his voice was a mix of emotions anger, frustration, and concern.Then the best thing I can do isHe froze. The brown eyes that had been narrowed with aggravation suddenly went wide with what? Amazement? Awe? Or perhaps that stunned feeling I kept having when I saw him?Because suddenly, I was pretty sure he was experiencing the same thing I had earlier. Hed seen me plenty of times in Siberia. Hed seen me just the other iniquity at the warehouse. But now now he was truly viewing me with his own eyes. Now that he was no longer Strigoi, his whole world was different. His learning ability and feelings were different. Even his soul was different.It was like one of those moments when people talked about their lives radiate before their eyes. Because as we stared at one another, ev ery part of our kind replayed in my minds eye. I remembered how strong and invincible hed been when we first met, when hed come to bring Lissa and me back to the folds of Moroi society. I remembered the gentleness of his touch when hed bandaged my bloodied and battered hands. I remembered him carrying me in his arms after Victors daughter Natalie had attacked me. Most of all, I remembered the night wed been together in the cabin, just before the Strigoi had taken him. A year. Wed known each other only a year, but wed lived a life sentence in it.And he was realizing that too, I knew, as he studied me. His attentiveness was all-powerful, taking in every single one of my features and filing them away. Dimly, I tried to recall what I looked like today. I still wore the dress from the secret meeting and knew it looked good on me. My eyes were probably bloodshot from crying earlier, and Id only had time for a quick brushing of my bull before heading off with Adrian.Somehow, I doubted any of it mattered. The way Dimitri was looking at me it confirmed everything Id suspected. The feelings hed had for me before hed been turnedthe feelings that had become twisted while a Strigoiwere all still there. They had to be. Maybe Lissa was his savior. Maybe the easement of the courtyard thought she was a goddess. I knew, right then, that no matter how bedraggle I looked or how blank he tried to keep his face, I was a goddess to him.He swallowed and forcibly gained control of himself, just like he always had. Some things never changed. Then the best thing I can do, he continued calmly, is to check-out procedure away from you. Thats the best way to repay the debt.It was hard for me to keep control and maintain some sort of logical conversation. I was as awestruck as he was. I was also outraged. You offered to repay Lissa by staying by her side foreverI didnt do the things He averted his eyes for a moment, again struggling for control, and then met mine once more. I didnt d o the things to her that I did to you.You werent you I dont care. My check was starting to burn againHow many? he exclaimed. How many guardians died last night because of what I did?I I think six or seven. Harsh losses. I felt a small pang in my chest, recalling the names read off in that basement room.Six or seven, Dimitri repeated flatly, anguish in his voice. Dead in one night. Because of me.You didnt act alone And I told you, you werent you. You couldnt control yourself. It doesnt matter to meIt matters to me he shouted, his voice sound through the hallway. The guardians at each end shifted but didnt approach. When Dimitri spoke again, he kept his voice lower, but it was still trembling with wild emotions. It matters to me. Thats what you dont get. You cant understand. You cant understand what its like knowing what I did. That whole time being Strigoi its like a dream now, but its one I remember clearly. There can be no forgiveness for me. And what happened with you? I remembe r that most of all. Everything I did. Everything I wanted to do.Youre not going to do it now, I pleaded. So let it go. Beforebefore everything happened, you said we could be together. That wed get assignments near each other andRoza, he interrupted, the nickname piercing my heart. I think hed slipped up, not truly meaning to call me that. There was a twisted smile on his lips, one without humor. Do you really think theyre going to ever let me be a guardian again? Itll be a miracle if they let me liveThats not true. Once they realize youve changed and that youre really your old self everythingll go back to how it was.He shake his head sadly. Your optimism your belief that you can make anything happen. Oh, Rose. Its one of the amazing things about you. Its also one of the most infuriating things about you.I believed that you could come back from being a Strigoi, I pointed out. Maybe my belief in the impossible isnt so crazy after all.This conversation was so grave, so heartbreaking, y et it still kept reminding me of some of our old practice sessions. Hed try to convince me of some serious point, and Id counter it with Rose-logic. It would usually earn me a mix of amusement and exasperation. I had the feeling that were the situation just a little different, hed have that same attitude now. But this was not a practice session. He wouldnt smile and roll his eyes. This was serious. This was life and death.Im grateful for what you did, he said formally, still struggling to master his feelings. It was another trait we shared, both of us always working to stay in control. Hed always been weaken at it than me. I do owe you. And its a debt I cant pay. Like I said, the best thing I can do is stay out of your life.If youre part of Lissas, then you cant avoid me.People can constitute around each other without without there being any more than that, he said firmly. It was such a Dimitri thing to say. Logic conflict emotion.And thats when I lost it. Like I said, he was alw ays get around at keeping control. Me? Not so much.I threw myself against the bars, so chop-chop that even Mikhail flinched. But I making love you I hissed. And I know you love me too. Do you really think you can spend the rest of your life ignoring that when youre around me?The troubling part was that for a very long time at the Academy, Dimitri had been convinced he could do exactly that. And he had been prepared to spend his life not acting on his feelings for me.You love me, I repeated. I know you do. I stretched my arm through the bars. It was a long way from touching him, but my fingers reached out desperately, as though they might suddenly grow and be able to make contact. That was all I needed. One touch from him to know he still cared, one touch to feel the warmth of his skin andIsnt it true, said Dimitri quietly, that youre involved with Adrian Ivashkov?My arm dropped.Whwhere did you hear that?Things get around, he said, echoing Mikhail.They certainly do, I muttered.So are you? he asked more adamantly.I hesitated before answering. If I told him the truth, hed have more ground to make his point about us keeping apart. It was impossible for me to lie to him, though.Yes, butGood. Im not sure how I expect him to react. Jealousy? Shock? Instead, as he leaned back against the wall, he looked relieved. Adrians a better person than he gets credit for. Hell be good to you.ButThats where your future is, Rose. A bit of that hopeless, world-weary attitude was go. You dont understand what its like coming through what I didcoming back from being a Strigoi. Its changed everything. Its not just that what I did to you is unforgiveable. All my feelings my emotions for you they changed. I dont feel the way I used to. I might be a dhampir again, but after what I went through well, its scarred me. It altered my soul. I cant love anyone now. I cantI dontlove you. Theres nothing more between you and me.My blood turned cold. I refused to believe his words, not after the way hed looked at me earlier. No Thats not true I love you and youGuards Dimitri shouted, his voice so loud that it was a wonder the whole building didnt shake. Get her out of here. Get her out of hereWith amazing guardian reflexes, the guards were down at the cell in a flash. As a prisoner, Dimitri wasnt in a position to make requests, but the authorities here certainly werent going to encourage a situation that would create a commotion. They began herding Mikhail and me out, but I resisted.No, waitDont fight it, murmured Mikhail in my ear. Our times running out, and you couldnt have accomplished anything else today anyway.I wanted to protest, but the words stuck on my lips. I let the guardians direct me out, but not before I gave Dimitri one last, tardy look. He had a perfect, guardian-blank look on his face, but the piercing way he stared at me made me certain there was a lot going on within him.Mikhails friend was still on duty upstairs, which let us slip out without getting i nmuchmore trouble. As soon as we were outdoors, I came to a halt and kicked one of the steps angrily.Damn it I yelled. A couple of Moroi crossways the courtyardprobably coming home from some late callergave me startled looks.Calm down, said Mikhail. This was the first time youve seen him since the change. There are only so many miracles you can expect right away. Hell come around.Im not so sure, I grumbled. Sighing, I looked up at the sky. unretentive wispy clouds moved lazily about, but I barely saw them. You dont know him like I do.Because while part of me thought that a lot of what Dimitri had said was indeed a reaction to the shock of returning to himself, there was another part of me that wondered. I knew Dimitri. I knew his sense of honor, his adamant beliefs about what was right and wrong. He stood by those beliefs. He lived his life by them. If he truly, truly believed that the right thing to do was to avoid me and let any relationship between us fade, well there was a go od chance he might very well act on that idea, no matter the love between us. As Id recalled earlier, hed certainly shown a lot of resistance back at St. Vladimirs.As for the rest the part about him no longer engaging me or being able to love anyone well, that would be a different problem all together if it were true. Both Christian and Adrian had worried there would be some piece of Strigoi left in him, but their fears had been about violence and bloodshed. No one would have guessed this that living as a Strigoi had hardened his heart, kill any chance of him loving anyone.Killing any chance of him loving me.And I was pretty sure that if that was the case, then part of me would die too.